*sigh* bad day.

Just another day entirely spent alone in my apartment. 

Social stuff stresses me out, merely the thought of it. 

I just see myself as an unstable monster that is disliked by the majority of people and I know it's just in my head, but maybe it's not just in my head, I don't even know anymore.

Was planning to join this support group for 'autistic' lgbtq folks this evening, but I don't think I'll attend. I just really find myself unable to meaningfully connect with anyone and it just makes me feel worse. I also hate this diagnosis they gave me as a kid (being on the spectrum), because it ruined my childhood, so I feel it's hard to even talk about it at a support group. I just pretend I never had gotten that diagnosis. My entire childhood people treated me like an handicapped person and it turned me into an outcast.

My team at work is like planning this red team effort, it's stressing me out too, because a lot of it would rely on me.. because they think I got experience in this shit, but I don't at all.. lately I just wonder wtf I'm doing here at Microsoft. I think I'm just wired to be alone in the Arctic or something.

I don't think I'm anti-social, because otherwise I wouldnt feel as much pain due to being alone a lot. I just think that maybe I'm a bear and I just don't fit in with humans. Maybe I should go seek out other bears in the mountains.

 *sigh* just feeling horrible and depressed. Not going to interact with anyone anymore. Just grind out bugs. Bye.

 I got one bug coming up this patch tuesday. Sadly someone 0day'ed it after I reported it. 

Then I got another bug coming up next month's patch tuesday. And then two more bugs this summer. One is kind of a remote bug, but it's kind of lame and I need to fine a better bug.

Havn't been able to work last 2 months though. But slowly starting to dig into my next target now so hope to find another bug this month. My teamlead said that if I can find one more good bug maybe I'll be promoted to lvl 60.

 I made new twitter: @polar_essbee

Curious to see how long it will take for some envious stalker to get this account banned too. I know someone is obsessively reporting me. Even had a blogpost censored a couple of weeks ago.

 I guess I havn't been taken to ER by the cops in like half a year now. I guess all this therapy and anti-depressants is supposed to work.

I hate waking up in the middle of the night when my sleeping meds stop working. Awake.

I don't know what a life worth living would look like. 

There's a very persistent and definitive feeling of just not belonging in this world. I don't have an answer to it. 

I guess I can keep trying to somehow focus on work. Grind out bugs. Get 1000 CVEs. Then die one day. 

Feel tired. 5 am. Wish I could sleep.

 My therapist said all people are pretty miserable. Some people are just better at hiding it then others.

I guess life is just supposed to be this way. 

I felt pretty happy hiking in the Arctic at times. Eating freeze-dried food in my tent after a long day of hiking through snowy mountain passes. Best sh*t ever. 

I really do miss it. Not even finding a bug can compare to frigging eating warm food after a long day of hiking in the Arctic and hiding in a warm sleeping bag. 

Normal life seems so dull. Once you find a job, have bills to pay.. freedom is gone. 

Right now, I just want to find one really good bug, find that one bug that will tell me I'm wrong about all my insecurities. That I belong at Microsoft. And also have some more friends.

Odds are however that I'm just a damaged person that will never have a fulfilling life. That I will end up being an outcast, avoided by everyone. I really struggle with people interactions. I guess the past has turned me into a bear. Sometimes overly defensive or hostile. I really struggle with this shit.

I guess when I can't find a place that I belong, I can always go back to the Arctic. That's where the polar bears belong.

 I am not active on social media.

@sandboxe, @bearsandbox are not created by me. 

SandboxEscaper on telegram is als not me.

I literally only ever chat with 3-4 people and tbey all have my phone number. Unless you are part of those few people any interaction you have with someone claiming to be me is not me. 

Just leaving this here. I have no plans of returning to social media. I hate people. Bye.

Arctic adventure photos!

These are mostly picture of the first part of my 700km trek in the arctic. There was a lot of snow! During the second part of my trek the heatwave that was tormenting the rest of Europe finally hit and most of the snow melted. For the first part I had to traverse nearly 400km without options to resupply, so I had to carry a loooot of food! Towards the end I was hiking on 1000 calories a day, which was really hard, walking in snow all day is exhausting and it was hard making distance in this type of terrain. I did not meet any other hikers during the first part. It was one of the wildest things I have done in my life. I miss it a lot right now.