*sigh* bad day.
Just another day entirely spent alone in my apartment.
Social stuff stresses me out, merely the thought of it.
I just see myself as an unstable monster that is disliked by the majority of people and I know it's just in my head, but maybe it's not just in my head, I don't even know anymore.
Was planning to join this support group for 'autistic' lgbtq folks this evening, but I don't think I'll attend. I just really find myself unable to meaningfully connect with anyone and it just makes me feel worse. I also hate this diagnosis they gave me as a kid (being on the spectrum), because it ruined my childhood, so I feel it's hard to even talk about it at a support group. I just pretend I never had gotten that diagnosis. My entire childhood people treated me like an handicapped person and it turned me into an outcast.
My team at work is like planning this red team effort, it's stressing me out too, because a lot of it would rely on me.. because they think I got experience in this shit, but I don't at all.. lately I just wonder wtf I'm doing here at Microsoft. I think I'm just wired to be alone in the Arctic or something.
I don't think I'm anti-social, because otherwise I wouldnt feel as much pain due to being alone a lot. I just think that maybe I'm a bear and I just don't fit in with humans. Maybe I should go seek out other bears in the mountains.