Friday, January 18, 2019

Please help me, i dont know what to do anymore
I'm going to binge watch all star trek: the next generation seasons. I think that one is the best, some of its episodes are really intelligently written. I liked voyager too, mainly because the over-arching storyline was pretty cool. When I was a kid I had all the seasons of the original series on dvd, I remember watching all of them when I was in a really shitty time of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I have so much bad stuff happen to me because of my personality or that I became this messed up because of all the bad shit.. I don't know what came first. I guess that at least I have a roof above my head and I'm not struggling with famine, so I shouldn't really complain.. but you know.. I would trade everything I have just to have a normal social life. Social isolation does weird things with you. I'm not very social and I hate people.. but sitting alone in a room for so many years.. it's worse then all the other bad shit that happened in my life.. because at least when those other bad things happened, I wasn't alone.
I miss having friends irl. You know.. having a drink with a friend.. talking about stuff. I guess it's my own fault. I'm pretty good at ruining friendships. When I get sad I get really destructive. People don't want to deal with that. I'm defined as a person by my actions and words.. so even if I have depression and get these violent moodswings.. it's no excuse, sometimes it's exhausting to see the damage i've done.. I really wish I didn't.. but sometimes it's like I become an entirely different person. At least I still have my blog to write sad monologues for all the silly threat intel people that follow this blog.
I'm tired. I don't like people. I guess in the end it's just me against the world. I'll never be a part of the infosec community, I'll never be able to go to cons.. do all that stuff. I don't know if it's my personality or the fact that I'm not that good at bug hunting. I guess it's probably both. I just hope I can sell a bug soon, I just want to get out of this. It's not going well lately. I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes I consider it really seriously.. I don't know if that should scare me.. but it's just really exhausting to keep experiencing that.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

I just want to get out of this place. I just want to have a life for myself.
Guess I'll somehow go and find a bug again. I need to make money somehow, I don't want to be broke and unemployed. Guess I'll go sell it to people who hate the FBI. It's not like I have any other fucking options.

Looking for work

Polar bear looking for work :(
I guess it's easy to judge someone when your own life is going well, when you have a job, friends, and all that other normal people's stuff that I'll never have. Try sitting in a room alone for years in total social isolation with your life going nowhere despite how hard you try. When life is a fucking nightmare every day... what's even the point of being alive anymore? Just so I can wake up another day to go through the same shit again? I should just get it over with. At least when I'm dead, I won't feel anything anymore. I can't see any reason why not feeling anything anymore would be worse then this nightmare. I'm sure people would be happy.
This fucking nightmare is never going to end
I guess unemployment and being broke is what you get for trying to do the right thing in this industry. I should have just not cared and sold my work to the highest bidder years ago. At least things would have been different.
You know, the moment you're too burned out and depressed to find bugs anymore, and the moment you've fallen out of favor with the community.. nobody gives a damn anymore. Everyone just turns their back. Guess that's just another reality about this shitty world.

None of the work I did these last 4 years even matter to people. I've always just been this stupid joke anyway I guess.
I learned a long time ago that happy endings don't exist in this world. I guess.. eventually we all die.. why would the timing of one's death even matter. My only regret is that I never got to travel far north and befriend a polar bear. Polar bears are pretty.


It's funny. I tried to take it easy this month. But then I realize that I have no income.. am stuck in some stupid place.. with the fucking social isolation..  and I don't think things will get better anytime soon. I fucked up way too much this time. Most people think I'm some crazy monster. And nobody will want to hire someone who had their google account subpoenad by the FBI or wrote all those angry things on twitter and this blog.
I basically can forget about working for an US company, because there is no way in hell I'm going to travel to the US for interviews or whatever, I don't want to find out if I'm going to end up in a US jail or not.

Maybe if I think and try really hard, find some attack surface that people overlooked.. hit a really good bug again.. sell it to some random people.. make a lot of money.. and then just travel for the coming years. I guess it wouldn't solve the social isolation.. but at least I would be in a happier place.. not here. This place is starting to feel claustrophobic.

I'm just so exhausted. It's the 17th of january already.. I havn't even been able to do any research at all this month.. because of this fucking emotional rollercoaster all the time. I'll probably never find a good bug again.

Sometimes I wish I could take the easy way out.. I just wish I could know for sure that people would get over it and that it wouldn't affect anyone.

Maybe it was just dumb of me to ever think that I was good enough to find employment in VR.. maybe it was all just a fucking pipedream.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Someone hire me please

Looking for onsite only, preferably some quiet place with a lot of nature, because I hate really busy places and big cities freak me out. I'm also just interested in vuln research.. other infosec stuff is stupid.

I can't move to the US because I'm like at war with the FBI or something.

Let me know if you want to hire me, I just want to get out of this fucking place, I can't fucking breath here :(