I miss the Arctic. Life was so simple. Crossing rivers, high mountain passes, frozen lakes. It's the only place I want to be anymore.

 Just want to be dead

 I dont know what im doing here anymore. I feel like my life has gone to waste. Just isolation. I dont belong in this world. I just want to be elsewhere. 

 Go up into the mountains. Find a nice summit. Just do it there. 

 

I wish i had the courage to cut my throat. I hate this nightmare. 

 Some days I wish I could turn back time.. decide to waste all this time in something else.. because it really doesn't matter how hard I try my best at this bug hunting thing, it doesn't seem like I'll ever be good enough and I just face opposition everywhere. I can understand why people just say "fuck it" and turn to the dark side.. I really can. I just don't care anymore. Shame I'm stuck in this industry now, so I'll just be that grumpy outcast. 

 God, I fucking hate infosec so much. 

 I like the polar bear the most, but I shoudlnt have favorites because then the other bear will grow up exhibiting anti social behavior.

 These are my best friends

 I feel sad

 I don't work at MSFT anymore, I sell 0days now, but FBI too stupid to catch me.

 Banned again lol. Twitter is fucking dumb. Fuck it, going to find some hacker forum to hang out on instead. Tired of just talking to myself on a blog.

 Last try to make a twitter account: @Bear_with_CVE

 Screw twitter. 

I just know some fucking stalker has gone above and beyond to get my twitter banned by abusing the reporting system. I also know someone attempted the same with this blog, because I've had posts censored as adult content in the past (which only happens if someone reports it). Even once had my entire blog put behind a warning.. but I guess google removed it after threat intel folks complained they couldn't scrape my blog anymore lol.

Going to use Instagram for lack of better alternatives, I'll make it work somehow:

https://www.instagram.com/essbee.vanhoutte/

I'm not letting people win in their fucking attempts to censor me and drive me out of this industry, I'm not going to be some loner with no friends writing insane monologues on a blog for the rest of my life.

 I often wonder where I would be today if I had never dropped or done write-ups about my bugs. I guess in the end people would have caught up because of the work Forshaw was doing.. but I'm pretty sure I could have made a lot of money in the meanwhile selling to the highest bidder.. but I guess back in those days I used to have morals and that wasn't I line I wanted to cross despite getting many offers (sometimes 120k+ for an LPE). I guess being at Microsoft isn't bad. I just feel like I arrived at Microsoft so burned out from all the bullshit.. after years of trying to make a career.. I just fear at times that I'm done for. I've only had a few productive months the last year, I just find it hard to focus anymore. Sometimes I worry that I won't ever find the same energy I had in the first few years of starting bug hunting, the experience in this industry has just really soured shit.

 35 CVEs soon. My last 3 bugs are not logic bugs. One is even a remote DoS, but I hope to find better bugs in that component. I think having had to learn everything by myself is a good thing, even though sometimes I feel at a disadvantage. Doing things using non-standard methods is how you find bugs. Like, even my LPE bugs, those very first installer and WER cases, I submitted them. Years ago, when I saw Forshaw using junctions to escape the IE11 sandbox, I realized that it can also be used for local priv esc. I guess sometimes it sucks when I don't feel validated for all the work I've done in the past. I often see folks downplaying the stuff I did. I still often feel that after all these years, I'm still this incompetent newbie who dropped put of highschool trying to get in the field. Ive always felt like an outsider in this industry. I'm sure folks are happy that I'm gone from twitter. Fading into obscurity. I'm going to keep getting better, despite mental health struggles. I sometimes forget that the only thing that matters is the joy and challenge of bughunting, everything else is superficial bullshit. I dont care if Im alone in an apartment, no social life, I'll still have more CVEs then folks like that jealous retard always sending me dumb emails and reporting my blog and shit.

 Fuck twitter.

I'm just going to hang out on some hacker forums and share stuff there.

Just have to find a good one, not some lame forum. 

 I'm going to get fucking drunk. Fuck the weekend. I fucking hate sitting in my apartment all day, trying to fucking find energy to bug hunt. Just want to fucking stab myself with a knife. 

Twitter is dumb.

If you're going to ban me, then also ban those fucking impersonator accounts pretending to be me.

 New twitter: @Polarbear123A

Just going to keep making new accounts. 

I know someone will report this, but good luck trying to proof this is me.

Banned again lol.

Fuck twitter. I got banned for promoting self-harm and/or suicide. At no point did I fucking promote it. 

Just some fucking asshole reporting my social media and dumb content moderators working at twitter.

Despite depression and shit, still got more CVEs and finding more bugs while you haters are being jealous and pathetic. I'm done. Bye.

New twitter

 New twitter: @PolarEssbee

Try and get this banned too. I'm not letting you assholes win.

 Just really want to be dead to be honest.

I havnt been happy in a long time. Just pain every day. I cant find motivation to do anything anymore. I cant get out of bed. The only time I feel anything else is when i cut myself with a knife. 

Feels good

 

 I don't work at Microsoft anymore. Bye.

 Lol, these scars from 2 months ago are still visible. I should add some more today. I like drinking whiskey and watching my own blood, it's like meditation. I don't care about scars, everything is temporary, life is temporary, one day everything will be gone. I'll just be some body decomposing, hopefully somewhere in the mountains.

 Time for getting drunk

 I can't be bothered being at Microsoft anymore. I should have never joined in the first place.

 I dont understand people who believe in reincarnation. Imagine being reborn into this shitty nightmare, over and over again, for all eternity. That would be the real definition of hell.

I wonder what happens after dying. Maybe everything just stops. I guess that would be the best outcome.

 People say that depression is like a chemical imbalance.

I struggled with depression ever since I was 14. I started self harm when I was like 10 years old.

It's just this world that makes me unhappy.

When you're different you really get to see the ugly side of humans, especially when you're a kid. 

But even as an adult it happens, often just way more subtle instead of just straight up physical and verbal abuse. 

Then there's just the reality of this world. This world is just so god damn ugly. While people are getting drunk and partying on the beach (during a pandemic), there's homeless folks and suffering everywhere here. I think, 10 years ago, when my friend died from an overdose, that just completely ruined my ability to ever be happy again. This world is just a shitty place. I feel like an outsider. I wish I could be out on the beach, partying, getting drunk, laughing.. but I can't.

 When I got that email from Microsoft legal 2 months ago, telling me that I was being investigated. I was 100% convinced that the past was repeating itself, that people had finally found that excuse to get rid of me. That I was going to feel betrayed again by people I considered friends.

It's funny, because for the first time in my life, I had truely 100% made peace with what I was going to do. It was a very surreal feeling. Being alive but knowing and accepting it was my last few days.

I wish they would have fired me. Being alive and clinging on to that 0.0001% glimmer of hope, that things may one day be different, is worse then just accepting that things wont ever change.. because atleast then I know what to do. Now I dont know what to do, except live with pain every day, be in bed 3/4th of the day, unable to get anything done.. just pain and distress.

I feel really tired.

 Just really unhappy.

Starting to think joining Microsoft was a mistake.

My entire life has felt like an isolating experience, and joining Microsoft really didn't change a thing.

Lots of very dark thoughts every day.

I don't really know what to do anymore.

I feel like the urge to act on these dark thoughts is just getting stronger.

There's this thing people say, even if life is 99% being sad and only 1% happiness... then that 1% is still worth living for. But its getting harder to keep telling myself that. 

It's just the constant pain. I just feel like an outsider in this world. I have felt like this all my life.

I figured joining Microsoft might change that feeling, but it didn't.

 *sigh* bad day.

Just another day entirely spent alone in my apartment. 

Social stuff stresses me out, merely the thought of it. 

I just see myself as an unstable monster that is disliked by the majority of people and I know it's just in my head, but maybe it's not just in my head, I don't even know anymore.

Was planning to join this support group for 'autistic' lgbtq folks this evening, but I don't think I'll attend. I just really find myself unable to meaningfully connect with anyone and it just makes me feel worse. I also hate this diagnosis they gave me as a kid (being on the spectrum), because it ruined my childhood, so I feel it's hard to even talk about it at a support group. I just pretend I never had gotten that diagnosis. My entire childhood people treated me like an handicapped person and it turned me into an outcast.

My team at work is like planning this red team effort, it's stressing me out too, because a lot of it would rely on me.. because they think I got experience in this shit, but I don't at all.. lately I just wonder wtf I'm doing here at Microsoft. I think I'm just wired to be alone in the Arctic or something.

I don't think I'm anti-social, because otherwise I wouldnt feel as much pain due to being alone a lot. I just think that maybe I'm a bear and I just don't fit in with humans. Maybe I should go seek out other bears in the mountains.

 *sigh* just feeling horrible and depressed. Not going to interact with anyone anymore. Just grind out bugs. Bye.

 I got one bug coming up this patch tuesday. Sadly someone 0day'ed it after I reported it. 

Then I got another bug coming up next month's patch tuesday. And then two more bugs this summer. One is kind of a remote bug, but it's kind of lame and I need to fine a better bug.

Havn't been able to work last 2 months though. But slowly starting to dig into my next target now so hope to find another bug this month. My teamlead said that if I can find one more good bug maybe I'll be promoted to lvl 60.

 I guess I havn't been taken to ER by the cops in like half a year now. I guess all this therapy and anti-depressants is supposed to work.

I hate waking up in the middle of the night when my sleeping meds stop working. Awake.

I don't know what a life worth living would look like. 

There's a very persistent and definitive feeling of just not belonging in this world. I don't have an answer to it. 

I guess I can keep trying to somehow focus on work. Grind out bugs. Get 1000 CVEs. Then die one day. 

Feel tired. 5 am. Wish I could sleep.

 My therapist said all people are pretty miserable. Some people are just better at hiding it then others.

I guess life is just supposed to be this way. 

I felt pretty happy hiking in the Arctic at times. Eating freeze-dried food in my tent after a long day of hiking through snowy mountain passes. Best sh*t ever. 

I really do miss it. Not even finding a bug can compare to frigging eating warm food after a long day of hiking in the Arctic and hiding in a warm sleeping bag. 

Normal life seems so dull. Once you find a job, have bills to pay.. freedom is gone. 

Right now, I just want to find one really good bug, find that one bug that will tell me I'm wrong about all my insecurities. That I belong at Microsoft. And also have some more friends.

Odds are however that I'm just a damaged person that will never have a fulfilling life. That I will end up being an outcast, avoided by everyone. I really struggle with people interactions. I guess the past has turned me into a bear. Sometimes overly defensive or hostile. I really struggle with this shit.

I guess when I can't find a place that I belong, I can always go back to the Arctic. That's where the polar bears belong.

 I am not active on social media.

@sandboxe, @bearsandbox are not created by me. 

SandboxEscaper on telegram is als not me.

I literally only ever chat with 3-4 people and tbey all have my phone number. Unless you are part of those few people any interaction you have with someone claiming to be me is not me. 

Just leaving this here. I have no plans of returning to social media. I hate people. Bye.

Arctic adventure photos!

These are mostly picture of the first part of my 700km trek in the arctic. There was a lot of snow! During the second part of my trek the heatwave that was tormenting the rest of Europe finally hit and most of the snow melted. For the first part I had to traverse nearly 400km without options to resupply, so I had to carry a loooot of food! Towards the end I was hiking on 1000 calories a day, which was really hard, walking in snow all day is exhausting and it was hard making distance in this type of terrain. I did not meet any other hikers during the first part. It was one of the wildest things I have done in my life. I miss it a lot right now.